hey sreeti, u prbbly dont knw me nor wil eva care to knw me eva. dont worry im nt a stalker nor am i here to bug u since i knw uve got lots on ur hands.
jst so u knw im divya a girl in ur colg. the reason im writing this to u is becos unconsciously ofcourse u wer the cos of an outburst of grief in my life.
lemme tell u how.
it ws my mst desired dream to get into iit.
i gave the exam bt jst made it to the extended list.
it crushed me.i hd worked very hard.since i ws so convinced ill get into iit, i dint study much for aieee or cet so i scored a 115 in aieee n a 158 in cet.
nevertheless i got admission into thadomal one of the best engineering colleges in the city. i dint take it. i ws too depressed. i cudnt explain to my mom why i dint take it. its actually cs i ws dead inside. this hd happend to me before too.i hd wntd to go to ruia colg bt got stuck in khalsa inspite of a 89.84% in 10th grade.
this was the last straw.
i cudnt take it ne longer.so i decided i needed a break while i told evryone i wntd to give iit again.the truth is ill neva give it again. im so tired of struggling that i cant take it ne longer.my relationships wer all falling apart.i wntd to keep myself as busy as possible.i ws so depressed i ws thinkin of ways to kill myself-in other words i ws contemplating suicide.
to banish this thot frm mind i tried to keep myself as busy as usual.bt in colg i found out that bsc hd the worst crowd eva n the studies cudnt keep me busy. so i decided to join the sdu becos apparently there ws so much work to do. i thot once i get into it ill be busy fr atleast a year.
it meant so much to me to join the sdu that my whole life literally depended on it. i ws a bundle of nerves. n thats where i faultered. i ws a nervous wreck in front of u cs u wudnt believe wht it meant to me. n as expectd i dint get a call. u cn imagine hw much it wud hve meant that i remember the whole conv with u which happnd lik over 3 months ago.
point is i think u shud b a lil mre easy on the ppl u interview.
u killed my confidence.u killed my hope.dont do it again.
lastly i wnt to clarify taht this is in no way n attempt to get pity or nethng,infact dont even recognise me or eva tlk to me abt this.pretend lik it neva happend. jst go on with ur life. im no one to tell u what to do.
lstly i beg of u dont be angry thinking im telling u what to do.dont make a laughing stock of an already withered soul.so plz id love it if u dint tell this to neone.
thanks a mill
divya

i hate you so much

I hate you because I deserve to,

I hate you because you made me this way,

I hate you for your guts

And I hate that you ran away

I hate you because you’re a coward,

I hate that you have nothing to give

I hate that you love to see me fall,

I hate that im gonna let you live

I hate that I cried so hard,

I hate that I cut and bleed,

I hate that im bruised so badly,

I love that you I do not need

I hate the way you smile so wide,

After every pang of my pain,

Im gonna make you regret so much,

That you wont be able to love again

Im gonna make the rules from here on,

Im gonna play the perfect game

I decide whts fair n whts not,

Im gonna wipe out forver your name

I hate that you do not understand

That you are capable of being hurt

Im gonna salt your wounds everyday,

Im gonna reduce your pride to dirt

I hate that you feel u are immune,

That you cannot be injured or worned

But I gues your just forgetting hell hath

No fury like a woman scorned.

and when the day is done

days pass by..n believe me der is nuthing exctitn abt it...so if ur wonderin wht kind of pathetic story m i tryin to ryt here....ur missin the point..cos im not tryin to ryt a story..m jst rytin hw i feel..
to begin with der is sumthng super wrong wid my brain...its ttly screwed...cs u knw m hvin dis weird problem...m not crushin on neone...lol..i knw bt wht i mean is...its not lik im not crushin cos ders no one to crush one...bt becos m not into the whole bf-gf thing ryt nw...n i dunno hw i feel...torn between doom n grief...its nt that tough a choice is it>??..well it shudnt be....it shudnt be...
so wht happens when the day is done??..when u sleep in ur bed n watch the prisms formed on ur pillow...wen the shadows grow close...too close....enough to haunt u...ur mind begins to wonder....wer did evryhtng go...u begin to think of ur day...review it..lik der is nethng to remember abt...bt still...u think why these things happen...n u pray tht u make it...for once...if u cud be forgiven..for once if u cud start over...n thn it finally dawns...uve made so many mistakes...no one told u its gonna be okay...n no one says it will...so wht will u do when it falls like a pack of cards??...bt w8 a sec..hasnt it fallen already...ur dreams, hopes evrythng...
day after day u grow closer to being an insomniac...u dont get ne sleep...its nt necessary...sleep is for the tired soul not for the dead one...bt the question remains??...is it tht u cnt sleep becos ur dead or u fear tht ull neva get up once u sleep....either whts the diff....point is ur too afraid...u cnt bear the thots tht come to ur mind once u close ur eyes...u hate reviewin ur day..its nt worth it....nuthngs worth it nemore....fear wont let u go...u cnt bear the screams of the dark nor can u tolerate the deafening silence..n dts why evrydy u need sumthng plugged in ur ears or a stupid old book to tire ur eyes till they finally give away...n u fall asleep as a sign of submissal....cnt hold out ne longer....
n thts why u love the night...it haunts u..bt there is nuthing to lose...u still prefer it to the sounds of ppl constantly judging u...ud give nethng to run away...bt wer??..no place is too far away frm ur soul....u cnt abandon ur self...n thts the problem....u hate urself...bt u cnt shun urself out...u cnt close ur mind frm the heart...why cnt u???....u ask urself...why dsnt the heart jst shut up...why does it tlk even aftr dying....lolzzz...too gothic isnt this??...
what m tryin to say is...future seems bleak...n m blinded by the fatal anticipation..wht if i don wanna go forward in time...may b ill fade away...may be i will....i hope n pray...to wipe out my remains frm this place i hate so much..becos u knw wt....aftr all...i wont make it thru the rain...cos i cnt stand up once again....

saving grace

one of the many things i hate abt myself is tht im selfish,i hve no regard of ne one's felings atleast not my family's..sumtyms i feel so bad treatin my sis the way i do..i shud b der for her...not lik she needs me or nethng...bt u knw for sisterly lov o sumthng lik dt...n m not sayin dis cs i feel bad for her...i feel bad for myself...cos sumday this is all gonna turn around...evrything is gonna cum screaming back to me..hw ungrateful n selfish i hve been...i take evryone i lov n evryone who lovs me for granted..no wonder eventually evryone i luv goes away in sum way or the odr..n dts why i pity myself...n the worst part is i don even try to change inspite of knowin evrythng..may b its becos im so angry wid myself for makin so many wrong decisions...for screwin up...m angry at the world cos they wont gimme a second chance..n not lik its gonna matter....cos m dead on the inside...
upfront i betcha no one knws wht i feel...n i don blame them..i don want them to knw...thts why m always laughin n foolin around...bt evrytime i close my eyes..im scared...m petrified by the shadows tht haunt me...m defeated by thoughts of my past n future...i knw m ridin for a fall n yet i cnt help it or rather i don wanna help it...m exhausted ....
so wts my saving grace?..loneliness...belive it or not..being lonely actually makes me feel better now...u knw i lov to cos pain to myself...i lov to cry...ha ha...insane isnt it...
hey don worry m not a psycho or nethng..m jst learning to live..when u luk around wht do u see?...i see ppl runnin past me...i dunno wer or wen...n truly speakin evryone i knw hs mastered the art of livin...evryone is strivin to make their lives better at the expense of neone or nethg..evryone seems so selfish sumtyms...jst like me...i mean i must hve heard like a million sob stories...ppl who keep whining abt hw miserable my life is...i knw ur probably thinkin m a hypocrate cos m whinin away rytin all this...bt this is different...m not forcin neone to read it....
n m not the type who dsnt undrstnd tht sumtyms ppl need sumone to tlk to..i perfectly undrstnd tht...bt im tlkin abt those ppl who no matter wt the time always tlk abt themselves...nuthng else is interestin enough or worse yet nuthng else is worthy of their time...yeah n ppl ask me why dont i express my feelings ..hw cn i??..wen evrywer i go..i feel like an agony aunt or better yet...a faithful pet..i must admit i lov being the agony aunt cos i get to knw evrythng n genuinely i don mind ppl telling me their probs..infact i love it..i really do..sorting sumone's life..bt my point is i wish they wud hear me...kinda like lemme raise my voice o sumthng or sumthng to tht effect...the thing is ive tried so many times..to say wht i feel bt sumhow it always ends up beiing abt u..n not abt me...n dts wer i drw the line n i stop tryin...so wht im wonderin now..is wht happens to sumone who is selfish,overconfident,arrogant,cruel,short tempered n who hs kept millions of anger bombs n pain balls locked up in her??...wht happens when they explode??...ill tell u wt happens..the girl dies..dies forevr...gr8 story n she lives happily evr aftr as a witch or a bitch..wtevr suits u...so much for her happy endin..wanna be my saving grace???..don even dare...peace.

merrily merrily merrily merrily life is just a dream..

thats exactly wt it is...a dream..or mre perfectly its this shitty movie...wer evrythng goes wrong..ever wondered whthr ther is neone out der tht is a full 100% satisfied wid lyf???...okk im not gonna bug u wid this stuff...i jst observe all ppl u knw all the time...i luv it..i realli do..n u knw m the kinda person who realli goes out of my way to express myself..der r ppl i realli luv n ppl i realli hate...n my actions work both ways..don get me wrong i aint tryin go get philosphical or nethng...its jst tht...i believe ders more..more to stuff than we'll evr see...lyf shudnt b abt books or nethng...it shud b for u to decide...ha ha ....says the girl who runs behind bookish knowledge...even so...even so...
i was watchin sex n the city sum days bck n u knw carrie says these lines,"its very difficult to walk in a single woman's shoes n dts why sumtyms in lyf we need realli special ones(she means the shoes)"
dont u agree??i mean think abt it???..ppl ask why indulge in luxuries..well i say why not?..atleast why not when u can afford it..sumtyms here n there it shud be kk to do sumthng for urself...
n if ur wondering whts this blog abt...its abt many things n in sum way its abt nothing...becos my life rests on pillars of nothingess...n i feel it too...i feel nothingness...
its abt not knwing wt u wnt...n not wanting to find it either..its abt letting go....its abt sayin ill b fine even wen u knw u wnt..its abt losin all tht u evr wantd....its about losing grip......its abt not fulfilling ur destiny...n finally its abt tht adrenaline rush u feel wen death is near...or doom for tht mattr...its abt lyf n more...its abt madness...abt crazee n finally this blog is a tribute to the alter ego of insanity tht we all posses bt that wich we think is wrong to let out in the open...for once release ur insane side....cos its tht side tht carries all the pain while u still smile...it needs solace...let it out...let it breathe...breathe till it finally dies....

row row row ur boat gently down the stream

yeah so backtrackin a bit...lemme try n give u a heads up on whts been up lately...my apologises for nt blogging so long...bt hey not like neone's reading so...movin on....first things first...i jst gve the mst imp exam of my life like 3 days ago...n belive me when i say it suxed...bt hey i knew it wud suck ryt??...i mean duh i neva studied...n rem i told u all my reasons for not studyin...i knw its super lame to screw sumthng so huge over a guy bt i cnt help it...i messed up big tym..thts the way i am..or more correctly thts the way ive becum thnks to tht scumbag...so yeah i used to be the nerd who always came first who was destined to MAKE IT BIG...bt wateva...bottom line is...wht hurts the most is tht i don even care tht i screwed up...m not sorry..nor m i happy abt it...it scares me to death thinkin abt all the humiliation ill face wen the results r gonna be out..u knw with all the ppl going like I DIDNT EXPECT THIS FROM U N ALL...n i realli donno wt ill do then..may be ill jst shun evryone frm my world....may b there will be a blackout...n may be again ill cry for days on end...ive never felt pain like this before in my life...its not physical...sumtyms i think ive gone insane becos i realli wish i cud kill him...cos i wanna knw hw it feels to bleed...
i used to b this evrshining face...n now m like this bitch who dsnt give a damn abt nethng or neone...i dont feel a thing...u can shout at me...scream nothing not a thing....i realli feel like this monster...waitin to explode...i talk to myself...i cry evry night...i don get sleep...i hate waking up...n yet m scared of death..wts left in lyf i ask myself??..wt is it that dsnt make me wanna die??...i wish i knew...i wish i turn it all around...bt i cant..no one can.....

As strong as you were,tender you go.I'm watching you breathing for the last time.A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,I know what it means and I'll carry you home. I'll carry you home....

...n now back to my trance..to a dream wer ill be free...

blast off!!!

yeah so new day new face...new woes n new things to worry abt...id lov to give u a recap abt wht made me lik tht...bt its too painful..lol..no realli...i used to b dis girl with ambition...u knw...world at my feet sort of thing...n suddenly it hit me..the love bug...i mean i was this huge nerd..bt lik i said it ws a good thing out here...newys...life was good to me...it used to be...bt then college came n i screwed up big time...i fell in love with this jerk who pretended he loved me too...bt backed off when it was time to make it official..believe me m not one of those gals who thinks m being givn attention when m not..its not lik wht he did was an illusion or sumthng..no realli he wsnt a figment of my imagination...he was real..he realli cared or so it seemed...or whts the point of telling me i love u a mill times???...yeah i knw i sound like a dork...who fell for his shit...bt u knw wt..i cudnt help it..as lame as it may sound..i always wntd to be lovd...ill fall 4 neone who lovs me lik crazeee...cos i was don being alone...so yeah gettin back to the point...he ditched me...ditched me big time...he made fun of me...n abused me..mentally ofcourse...but u knw tht ws it...it changed evrything...i didnt realise it then bt he had been the most important thing to me...n poof!!!...he was gone..the problem?..i dinno hw to live without him...bt i ws angry very angry...its been two yrs since this happ but i dint call him once..never...even though u cnt begin to imagine hw much i luvd him...he crushd me n killd me...i hve no ambitions nemre...n no will for nethng...bt if u ask my frnzz they'll tell u m perfectly fine...cos u knw wat m too good at hiding wt i feel...
n now probably after readin tht m sum lame chick with a heartache ull stop readin my blog bt u knw wt its the truth i cnt change it i wish i cud...bt i cnt...bt hey u wt the point is???
i feel dead..u knw wt tht means...nothing affects me...m like stone..i dont cry n it dsnt matter wht happens...u cn throw nethng at me.....n i wnt react..ill break ur face if u try n screw with my brain...n i dont trust neone...cos i hate myself...hate myself for lovin tht b******...i hate him..n i wish he wud die...no i dont need psychiatric help...bt im just super angry at him n at myself...cos i feel like kelly.."i even fell for the stupid love song"..
i hate life evr since i hate everythng abt it........m going nowhere n i knw it...
ill probably die unavenged...n i wish i cud kill him...u wud too if i cud explain...bt its kk...i dunno wts gonna happen to me...n who knws thts why i ryt this lame blog...cos i got no one to tlk to...or worse yet...i dont hve the guts to tlk to...cos u see i hate takin help...m lik a volcano w8ing to explode...i hate this life...n i hate this side of me...the side tht has no feelings...the numb one...
one who dsnt get attracted to nethng...who has no crushes no ambitions n no desire to live...the one who wnts to die or kill...its like he broke me up inside...sumthng died within me.....oh pls don feel sorry for me....its not worth it,....m not worth it....n mre imp hes not worth the attention...this was just sumthng i thot ill clear with u...incase ur thinkin wts wrong wid her???
so for the record...its a wrong question...question is...wt is right withher??.....
people can take everything away from u..
bt they can never take away ur truth
but the question is
can u handle mine????
peace!!!